just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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