If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There r osticjed everywhere
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
