Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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