We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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