after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i came on her dog
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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