I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
