he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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