Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
please come you make the beer taste better
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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