mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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