Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
