Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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