i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
