u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
