The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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