When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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