You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
