Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
