dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
