I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
