There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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