the condom got lost in my hair
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
