Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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