Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
