I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
