she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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