i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize