so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
