he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
