that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
