I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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