he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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