you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
