Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
