How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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