he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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