If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
