but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
