its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
