I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
