Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
