Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
