It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
