Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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