I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize