Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
