Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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