i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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