The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
