Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
