dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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