if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
