I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
