dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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