If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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