i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
