I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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