The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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