You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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