Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
