Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
