my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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