Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
