everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It was like giving head to a cactus.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
