And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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