I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
